Your not funny because your grammer is poor lol

AngryMark piqued my desire to write a formal requiem for grammar on the internet.  He noted that a misused semicolon (of which I’m sure I have many) will get the job done, but takes the punch out of the meaning.  Allow me to take this theme and run, deep into the heart of the wild, wild internet.  Please forgive any grammatical transgressions along the way.

Admit to your sexism, sexist.

It’s been fashionable to be a grammar stickler since the widespread popularity of the book Eats, Shoots, and Leaves.  The premise is that the grammatical sky is falling on modern culture, creating a place where supermarkets can advertise Watermelon’s for $2.99 and checkout lanes for 10 items or less.  Consider Robert Samuelson’s comments about the slow extinction of the comma,

“If all this involved only grammar, I might let it lie. But the comma’s sad fate is, I think, a metaphor for something larger: how we deal with the frantic, can’t-wait-a-minute nature of modern life.”

What revelation do I bring to the dinner table?  I bear some bad news.  Grammar on the internet has officially killed semantics.  Semantics are the only reason one writes in the first place.  Without meaning, the sum total of comments, message boards, facebook baggage, and blog posts are a grand symphony of FAIL.  This is not a matter of misuse, but a fundamental failure to say what one wants to say.

Let’s have an example, what I call a dangling moronifier:

thats not funny lolcats are lame haha lol

sure we can meet at the mall ill wear my green shirt jk

Putting aside the fact that it’s maximally lame to lol one’s own comment, it’s mindbendingly painful to parse these stupid constructs.  I don’t want to mentally separate your clauses, only to reach the end of your thought and have you substitute an emotion for me.  Guess what? I’m not laughing out loud at your garbled brain dump.  Perhaps if you took the time to reach for the comma key I would entertain your thought.  Instead I am just judging you, judging you with beady, devil eyes that cut like lasers through your shoddy attempts at humor.

You didn’t think I would write a post sans LOLcat, did you?

Next, consider this beauty, pulled straight from the comments on digg:

eeerrr NO. race car drivers are among the least educated sportsmen… Most of the top racers have been racing since their 8-10 yrs old or younger and people around them invest everything on them and they’re severely neglected school, nevermind college.

Good one, ace.  Let’s call people uneducated and couch our accusation in a passive-voice sentence that makes literate people gag.  “Hey Bill, neglect me that football.”  “I am going to run to the store and neglect me a cup of coffee.”

Finally, here’s an excerpt from an email sent to the cycling listserv.  This particular lad (let’s call him by the pen name “Jasen”) sent a diatribe explaining principles of mitochondrial density and adaptation.  This was one of many (repeated, in multiple emails) offenses,

Actually their is NO incongruity…as their is an inverse relationship with exercise intensity and time.  Their needs to be the right metabolic/biochemical/mechanical loading stimulus to elicit adaptation in muscle.

Now their are other protocols that can be used to elicit threshold adaptations…but it is beyond the scope of the audience.

FAIL.   How am I to take this seriously?  Who am I two question the words he rights their?  What beautiful arrogance to tell the readers what is beyond their scope!  Get out of the kitchen if you can’t stand the 4th grade grammar heat.

I know that grammar does not come easily to many people.  I respect these people and the extra work they put into communication.  I do not, however, respect the arrogant, mile-a-minute, lawless ADHD denizens of the web.  These folks lack the decency to think before forcing their pages of SUCK down the throats of anyone with the misfortune to stumble upon their defecated ideas.   These people will kill a joke by omitting the crucial comma.  They are the antithesis of wit and the spoiler of good times.  Like a real life Leeroy Jenkins, they run willy nilly into a civil discussion and drain the life force from all in proximity.

We long ago decided the web was no place for proper punctuation.  The time has now come to embrace the death of meaning as well.

~ by wcuk on September 21, 2007.

4 Responses to “Your not funny because your grammer is poor lol”

  1. I hear ya! I was reading an article on msn about bullying the other day. Half the comments were from people bitching about their schooldays, back when they were bullied and to struggle to be “excepted” by everyone else! I’m not a native english speaker, and I I get very pissed at people who don’t know “they’re” own language.

  2. **correction: had to struggle.

    Wow, I’m as bad as those I criticize.

  3. No, Sal, you made a typo. The grammar was otherwise correct.

  4. Shit, Willis. You sound like grumpy old AngryMark. Well done.

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