My name is Punky Brewster.

A few days ago I made a lame post about some spam I received from an honest fellow named Sunny. I was tired and didn’t put much thought into the quality of the post. If my PO box stuffed with hate mail and death threats is any indication, you expect more from me. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea ultima culpa.

Fast forward 2 days. (Bearded) Megan decided to bail me out by sharing a very similar piece of mail she received. Punky’s straits, I think you will agree, are far more dire than Sunny’s. Surely there is a 10th circle of Hell for the heartless person who will not spare c-note after reading this story.

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Dearest one,

Good day. I am very sorry for the inconviniences this mail might
cause to you (no, I’m not),but I decided to solicitate for your
help.Although it is not mandatory for you to grant my request you may
never sleep a wink again if you read my harrowing story and do not
promptly empty your wallet for my noble cause.

My name is Punky Brewster.

I was orphaned by Zoe’s Arc in the ongoing struggle in Darfur. When I
was taken from my rightful guardians, the only thing that I took with
me was my cat. I am now faced with the burdensome responsibility of
providing for the cat and wishing that I had left him in Darfur to
answer to the Janjaweed.

My father left us to assume his throne as king of a used car lot in
Detroit, where he had his very own office with a diamond-encrusted
mini-fridge and a bejeweled oscillating fan.


Before they were indicted, Zoe’s Arc told me that my father had set
aside a 1990 Geo Prism for me, but that the car had been impounded.

I am therefore solicitating for you to help me retrieve this vehicle
from the lot and fill the gas tank, so that my cat, who is suffering
from an overbite, can make it to his orthodontist appointments. The
orthodontist told me that only solid gold braces will rectify his
overbite. I earn a living by doing hard labour jobs (scheduling yoga
sessions for my boss and reading bbc.com all day, 5 days a week).

Since I work a full-time, labor-intense job I used to let kitty drive
himself to the dentist. One day some jurkface failed to signal and
the car was destroyed. Kitty’s license was also revoked and he was
ordered by a judge to take anger management classes. So if you could
also drive my cat to his dentist appointments and anger management
classes and cover his dental expenses, I would be deeply indebted to
you.

In fact, I am in great need of your humble help and your suggestion
will highly be regarded.

Hope to hear from you soon. May almighty God bless you if you decide to help me. If not, rot in hell.
Hugs ‘n Kisses,

Punky Brewster

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~ by wcuk on November 2, 2007.

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