Remember, remember the fifth of November
My uncanny likeness to William and ties to the British motherland mandate I post today in honor of Guy Fawkes day. Many people in the US do not celebrate this holiday, nor know much about it’s origin. Here are my elucidations and ruminations on this historical event. (Author’s note: since this is a British holiday, one must pronounce “historical” in a thick, documentarian voice, “issssss – tor – ihh – cal”)
Guy Fawkes was the embattled CEO of Citigroup, Inc. On November 5th, 2007, whilst the dollar was in freefall against the
British pound Euro, Fawkes decided to resign and devote his energies to stopping Prince William from undermining British Parliament by crafting more LoLcat blog posts. With his attentions diverted, notorious lender of junky commercial paper Mike Jenks (known for wearing a mask and bearing the pen name Optimus Subprime), decided to seize upon Fawkes’ absence and thusly plotted to destroy Parliament by leasing their famous meeting house at a ridiculous, variable-rate, subprime mortgage. Optimus Subprime knew full well the British throne would default on their loans in a mere 20 years, thereby having no place to meet and do their parliamentary duties. How poetic, Optimus Subprime thought, to destroy the House by slow and financial decay.
Anticipating the subprime slime, Fawkes stopped Optimus from issuing his dirty mortgage by packing his apartment with gunpowder and gruesomely exploding him. This prompted social commentator Yungh Don to craft the now-famous poem,
Remember, remember the fifth of November,
The interest rates, treason and plot,
I know of no reason
Why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.
Remember, remember the subprime mess,
Crafted by the hands of Jenks,
He saw no good reason
Why mortgage-backed treason
Should empty out the banks.