All I Really Need to Know, I Learned on the Internet

You probably learned a lot of “life lessons” in kindergarten, only to get into the real world and find they no longer matter. Sharing? Not so easy in the grown-up world. Long gone are the days of Duplos and Lincoln Logs; now we have adult things, like Legos. How one shares a crazy thing like legos is beyond me. We didn’t cover such things in k-5. You probably didn’t even graduate k-5.

And so we become functioning adults with no set moral compass. We have our norms, our customs, our pleasantries, but we’re never really sure if we’re doing it right. This is why the internet exists. The internet is the civilized, rational, educated community that can save our deteriorating society.


The internet is scary, of course. You’ll need the Amulet of Tinycat to navigate its treacherous waters. *Hands over the amulet* Go now and gather wisdom. Do it before I decide to revoke the amulet.


  You need vigilance at every step of your life. Pool shark is everywhere, ready to turn your summer BBQ into a concerted effort to locate your legs. Never let your senses relax. Never relax at all. Pool shark makes quick work of the relaxed.1186491266971.jpg


  Keep your friends close, but your skeleton army closer. You never know when, in the course of the day’s bear-blasting or hump-catting, you’ll need to call an army of undead to turn that B+ into an A. Few will stand up to skeleton army. Those who do are bear-blasted into the dimension of the undead. 1187767126493.jpg


  Learn the golden rule and live by it. You never know when you’ll find yourself in the other person’s shoes. Cookies and cream? Shame on you. Waffle cone? Well I never. 1186750942306.jpg


  There is always someone more funny than you. For instance, this blog, which finds and posts such awesometry as shown in the bottom figure, is likely more funny than you.1188475288426.jpg


  Never give up. The time to put on your best spacesuit and ride the green shark is never. Ever.1188536643076.jpg


  Don’t do drugs. Your friends might think it’s cool. Even the Lolcats might peer pressure you. It’s still no excuse for you to do them. Let’s not do coke.1185705524439.jpg


  Stay away from ninjas and their nefarious blogs. If lighting yourself on fire is what it takes to keep the ninja away, then light you must do. Even ninjas cant blog in the face of level 8 fire shield.1190197863675.jpg


  Your time is yours and yours only. You must never be afraid to look someone in the eye and firmly say, “DO NOT WANT.” My boss wanted to light me on fire last week. Though I welcomed the protection from ninja attacks, I preferred not to burn at the time. “Do not want. Kthx bai.”1190622802323.png


  Don’t believe every Lolcat you see. They may look convincing, but lolcats are not FDA approved and may be falsely captioned. For example, I have it on good faith that the correct caption for the image below is “Srry fur missin kurfew, mum. Nxt time I iz home bai 10.”1190989427799.jpg


  Never trust your friends, unless you have hired a skeleton army (see above). Your friends will betray you, whether for gold coins, bananas, or to be the first to the princess’ castle.1191467209730.jpg


  Everybody lies to you, all the time. 1192787112276.jpg


  No matter what you become in life, there will always be a prodigious foreign person who can do it better. Learn to blame your “runner-ups” on the political & educational system in which you were raised. Your failures are anybody’s fault but your own.1194602575954.jpg


  Start every day with a mirror five. On the internet, you are the only friend you need.1195455133059.jpg



Start fires, then run. Fires can be a metaphor for anything, be it an argument, a mistake, or an insult. Your problems can’t chase you because your problems can’t run.



  Once you’ve hurt someone’s feelings, you can’t take it back. We’d all like to unsee our mistakes in life. That IM you sent, that email you fwded…oh to go back in time. Some of us would even like to unsee this blog post. The intenet is a harsh mistress, however. Your time is nonrefundable and you will never erase its scalding stupidity.unsee.jpg

~ by wcuk on December 9, 2007.

9 Responses to “All I Really Need to Know, I Learned on the Internet”

  1. Poll- Has the poor kitteh in #15 just witnessed:

    A) goatse

    B) tubgirl

    C) 2girls1cup

    D) lemonparty

  2. definitely D

  3. take it back – i didn’t know what 2girls1cup was, but it has to be that.

    thanks a lot.

  4. well, I wasn’t familiar with Lemon Party. Definitely not even close to the other 3. Lemon party is something to watch with your 5 year old sister. That is how tame it is.

  5. Oh it was without a doubt A. I can forget that I watched 2girls1cup. I can even kind of laugh about it. But goatse haunts your dreams.

  6. Awesome. Ur images are da bomb. Good internet homewrk.

  7. ti was lemon party, without a doubt

  8. There are far too many things I’d like to unsee – both online and offline.

  9. *learnt

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