Your Crappy Blog Is Crappier Than My Crappy Blog.
I liken blogs to a inner city check cashing place. They move in to a market where they are unneeded, try to perform a job which is already performed by other businesses, and (lacking any novel business model whatsoever) go bankrupt. With their graffiti fronts and plywood visage, they remain an eyesore for the community and serve as crack houses until they burn down in a row home fire. Yes, that sounds about right
This is installment two of a mean-spirited series of posts meant to hurt feelings. In my previous attempt to insult bloggers, I failed to draw the scorn for which I so earnestly trolled. This time I decided to take a new approach.
I constructed a blog.
My Crappy Blog.
My Crappy Blog has a header!
My crappy blog has a header image. You know who is in my header? It’s me, Narcissus! I gaze longingly at my own reflection in the water. The water is a metaphor for the writings on My Crappy Blog. The image of me is so all my visitors will know that I am the author and I am good looking. Unlike a book, my blog title tells you nothing about the content of my blog.
My Crappy Blog has a Byline!
My crappy blog has a byline. My byline can be witty and it can tell you about My Crappy Blog. My byline indicates my blog will be about a very broad, unspecified topic, such as “life” or “thoughts”, for which my day job does not qualify me to be an expert.
My Crappy Blog has a blogroll!
My crappy blog doesn’t get many hits : ( To compensate, I will whore the blogroll on My Crappy Blog to hundreds of sites I never actually read! My Crappy Blogroll is an attempt to get other blogs to list me in their blogrolls out of guilt. My Crappy Blogroll is vague and I take not the time to organize its order or check to make sure the Crappy Blogs I link to actually exist. Nobody clicks the links on My Crappy Blogroll, but I add to the list everyday nonetheless!
- Cool Kids Blog
- WOOO MY blogspot adventures
- Cheap viag$$ra
- Funkmasta Flex
- Grandmasta Flash
My Crappy Blog uses the default template!
Content is king on My Crappy Blog. At least, that’s the excuse I give for the fact that My Crappy Blog uses the default template, has no original images, and makes no effort to look any different than my neighbor’s crappy blog. This is a paradox, though, because I don’t actually ever update My Crappy Blog. Do you see it? Content is king, but I never create content! The closest I come to content creation is to link to a youtube video I did not make.
My Crappy Blog shuns full sentences!
My Crappy Blog exists in the information age. Times are too fast paced for me to use full sentences. My Crappy Blog assumes it will lose its prestigious rank as the 789,987,299 best blog on Technorati if I take a breather to compose a post that has grammar, syntax, and punctuation. My crappy blog also contains
a wizardly mix of
random line break characters, so my already-fragmented
prose becomes, quite literally, even more
My Crappy Blog has flair!
How many pieces of flair can you find on My Crappy Blog? Lots. I fill as much of my sidebar as I can with widgets and gadgets and twitter feeds. My widgets are useless trinkets with which nobody really likes to interact. Check out my clustr map.
Well, actually, it’s not my clustr map, per se. One day I hope my clustr map will actually have visitors. Either way, it’s the idea that I really like about the above picture. Namely, I want my widgets to display so much that they actually tell you nothing.
My Crappy Blog has photos I resized with html!
I like to steal other people’s copyrighted work for My Crappy Blog, but it doesn’t fit into my cookie cutter template. I choose to resize the images with a mix of html and Microsoft Word to achieve that pixelated look for my photos. I credit the source like I credit a full sentence. Never!
My Crappy Blog is all about me (except when I’m spamming other Crappy Blogs)!
I’ll never admit it, but My Crappy Blog is a shrine to my achievements. My Crappy Blog is part MySpace, part LiveJournal, part Maispace, and part photo gallery of me. It is socially acceptable for me to toot my horn on My Crappy Blog. Sometime I will even list my achievements in My Crappy Sidebar or my image header! This is, of course, when I am not reposting other Crappy Blogs’ images, posts, and words in order to get more hits on my own site. Mankind will savor the heights of my greatness when they visit my page.