I hate your celebrity encounter stories.
Your celebrity encounter stories are really boring. Consider a sampling of some fantastically exciting quotes on the Reddit post, “Have you ever met a celebrity?” These are written by different people about different celebrities.
He was extremely gracious.
Really cool guy.
I also met Shaq, who was down to earth.
…is a damn nice guy
Cool guy, very tall
He was the nicest, most down to earth guy.
Very nice guy.
She was really nice
He seemed nice.
Bill Cosby. What a nice guy.
He is one of the nicest guys ever.
He’s a nice guy
overall pretty cool.
Really nice guy with a huge laugh.
Super nice guy,
He was a nice guy but he wasn’t a great tipper.
Oh, do go on! Tell me more! I’m on the precipice of caring too much. She was nice? He was totally down to earth, bro?! Get out. You don’t say.
Here’s a theory: most celebrities make millions of dollars to work 2 days a week and have loads of free time, during which people shower them with praise and attention. Don’t you think you’d be pretty “nice” and “down to earth” in those shoes? Something about the complete absolution from ever having to earn another dime in your lifetime just has that calming effect on people. The result? Your celebrity encounter reads like a bad 4th-grade book report. “He was nice. It was good. I like celebrities. She was pretty. Then he said something funny. I laughed. He was nice. I can’t believe she buys groceries just like me. When I grow up, I want to be nice and good like him. I like turtles. Sports are fun.”
This is the part of the post where commentors post specious counter examples in a statistically inane attempt to invalidate my post.
And this is the part where they decide not to post after all, because they would only be making my prophecy come true.
If this all sounds cynical, it’s because Miley wouldn’t autograph my DVD. (But it’s still all good, because her best friend Leslie made clear that she’s just being Miley.)